There has been two times in my life when I thought it was the end. These were times when my life felt dry, used up and all I wanted was for it to all to end. I wish I could say that in those brief moments, when I had completely given up on myself, that I found the courage to go on. But I didn’t I tried to leave this world.
I have never wanted a pity party or others to join in on my sorrows, these were quite private moments of weakness. But for some miraculous reason, in both of these occasions my life was spared. I know that if I were any other person I should be dead. But I am alive. I am here and I was renewed.
Something deep within me, that I can not fully explain, held me safe each time and didn’t let me go. And as I came out of both of these experiences, the first when I was only nineteen and the second when I was about forty-six, I deeply realized that my life here had such strong purpose. I was unable to make my transition even though I desired it because there was so much more that I had intended to do.
I strive for the courage each day to always see the wonderful, to see the beautiful, to find the positive perspective, and to feel the wholeness of my inner being. Many days I can, but I still have moments that flash in and out of my life that remind me of those darker times. But today they don’t feel like much of an option. I guess I know too much now.
I know that I created my darkness. I leaned into it so much that I thought that was my home. The truth today is that I can lean another way too. I can lean toward love. I can lean toward joy. But no matter where I lean, I know that I am love. I am joy. I am so very good. And I deserve it all. And so do you.
*If you want to hear me read these aloud go to my blog the link is below
My reading of this meditation