I decided almost a year ago to the day that I was going to be alone and not attached to anyone for a time. I did this to be more free to explore my own sense of self. Not because I didn’t have love in my life, I did. And what a wonderful love it was, but that isn’t enough to make me feel fulfilled. I was missing a more developed and secure sense of my own self-worth. I didn’t want to rely on how I look, what my accomplishments were, what I have in this life or who I am partnered with to define my sense of self-value. I know the dead end this produces if any of these “things” go away.
It is funny, because I have spent a lifetime helping others, loving others and yet not completely loving myself. Self-love and self-value are intimately tied together. I had picked up along my way in life many false ideas about who Tadayoshi really was because the premise of my own ideas of self worth were tied to others or things. This last year of living and being just with myself has reminded me that I am good with or without anyone. But I must always be diligent to never again try to tie my own value to who I am with, what I have or what happens to me.
Am I lonely at times? Well, I really thought I might be, but it turns out that I am more than good enough for myself. I am definitely my best company. While I thoroughly enjoy the interactions with others, I also enjoy my own me time now more than ever. I still enjoy loving on every single person I come in contact with, it just isn’t such a necessity for my own sense of self. What is necessary though is knowing exactly who I am. This I do for sure and I love the me that I know. I am love. I am joy. I am so very good.